12 Ways to Recognize and Deal with Jealousy in a Relationship
Jealousy is a very complex emotion, can cause much pain in our lives, and it can destroy relationships. Let’s take some time to look at why we experience this feeling and how we can deal with it. First of all, let’s look at some common signs of jealousy in a relationship:
Anxiety
Whenever you are jealous, you are constantly worried about what your partner is doing. There is no trust in jealousy, so you feel like you always have to check on your partner, or, in other words, he constantly has to prove that you are able to trust him, which is an impossble task.
If you are constantly worried about that special someone not being faithful, it is more than hard to enjoy your relationship.
Intense feelings of anger and resentment
When you feel jealous, it only takes a little something to make you angry or resentful. Your partner may just briefly look at another woman passing you by as you are out walking, for example, and that’s all it takes for you to think that he betrays you. Your anger rises and you resent your partner – without being able to help it.
Possessiveness
It is very natural to want to control your partner when you are jealous. Jealousy wants to have complete control, in order to avoid finding reasons to be jealous of. Feeling like you have to control your partner clearly reflects your distrust – and most of all, your own insecurity.
Excessive control
When you feel jealous, it is common to want to have total control of your surroundings and relationships – and especially your partner. But fact is, you can never protect your partner from all harm, even if you were with him all day long – and you can also not prevent him from falling in love with someone else, should your relationship not be happy anymore.
Shyness, social inhibition, or inhibition
You might have seen someone react in a much more dramatic way than you usually would, when they have felt jealous: they might withdraw completely and secretly ‘spy’ on their partner behind their back … or they may become extremely aggressive towards their loved one.
Why Does Jealousy Feel so Bad? (What Causes Jealousy?)
Everyone experiences jealousy sometimes, but it can be very destructive when we get stuck in a cycle of jealousy and control.
So why Do We Experience Jealousy?
Jealousy is natural; most of us are jealous from time to time, but more in the form of envy. It is normal to feel a little envious when our partner gets an opportunity that we do not have, or if they get something that makes them look better than us, for example, a bigger house or a better computer. Jealousy also exists to protect us; feeling jealous might alert you to potential danger, such as your partner hanging out with someone who has cheated before.
How to Overcome Jealousy
1. Communicate
Many people feel hurt or angry because they do not know what their partner is doing. Be sure to communicate your expectations to your significant other and outline the type of behavior you will and will not tolerate. Using words, both spoken and written, is important because it forces you to be clear about how to act in certain situations.
2. Let go of the idea that jealousy is a bad thing
Jealousy manifests itself in many ways and may not always be evident at first glance. It can be helpful to realize the function of jealousy; its purpose is to protect us from potential threats and drive us towards behaviors that help us get what we want in life. Harmful jealousy, however, can be as damaging to a relationship as an unfaithful partner. To recognize that you are jealous is ok, but then taking some healthy ways to channel it – like talking to your partner and being honest – is the first step towards dealing with it more productively.
3. Find out why you are jealous
When we are jealous, our perception of reality becomes distorted, because we let our emotions rule over us. We may become hyper-sensitive and misread situations to be signs that our partner is doing something wrong, even when there is no evidence to support that conclusion. Try to step back and assess the problem from a more logical and realistic perspective. Ask yourself why you are jealous; is it because your partner spends too much time with someone else, or too little with you? Or do you maybe feel threatened, because your partner has found something that makes him happy outside of your relationship?
4. Do not let jealousy control you
When we feel jealous, we tend to make the other person the center of our world. We focus on what they are doing all the time, how much they are doing, and who they are doing it with. Needless to say, it is very hard to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who is constantly the center of your attention. Instead, try to view things objectively and make your partner only one part of a much bigger picture. Ask yourself what other parts belong to that bigger picture called life – for example, how important is your own part in this picture?
5. Learn what jealousy means in your relationship
Jealousy usually indicates other underlying problems within a relationship. Suppose you feel jealous because someone else threatens to take away your partner’s time. In that case, you may have deeper insecurities about the quality of your relationship. Or you might be jealous because you are afraid to loose your partner – which may go back to you having lost someone close in your childhood. You can first try to address issues of jealousy rationally, instead of letting your emotions get the best of you; however, if the roots of your jealousy go back to your childhood, you may want to seek some outside help to tackle the issue.
6. Do not take it personally
Some jealousy can arise in any relationship. That does not necessarily mean that you are unhappy with your partner or have reason to feel insecure about their relationship with others. It is essential to first understand that jealousy is healthy in some contexts but not helpful in others. Suppose you have not had any insecurities about your relationship so far, and the jealousy you are experiencing now is sudden or extreme. In that case, it is best to take things slow and approach your partner, instead of reacting negatively. Rather than giving in to jealousy and allowing it to consume you, maybe you can try to work through underlying issues together with your partner by talking about it. If you have a partner who is able to listen to you, talking about your feelings and possible causes may help you get through this bout of jealousy – and will strengthen your relationship.
7. Express your feelings to overcome jealousy
Perhaps you feel jealous because your partner is too dominant or aggressive in a relationship. For example, he may be less sensitive to your needs, and you may not be speaking up about those needs, out of fear of hurting his feelings. Or he could be taking care of others in ways that prevent you from moving forward with your own relationship. Whatever the case, it is best to express yourself and try to communicate, before things build up inside of you. Try to find a good time to communicate with your partner and honestly tell him where you are at, so that he knows what’s going on inside of you.
8. Be aware of your insecurities
If you are jealous, the odds are that you have an underlying insecurity of some kind – usually about yourself. If you are willing to identify these insecurities and see them as a challenge for growth, you may be able to conquer them. It may always be helpful to find someone trustworthy to talk to when dealing with such sensitive issues; this may be a professional counsellor or a very good friend or family member.
9. Work on improving your self-esteem
If you consider yourself inferior to those around you or feel like you are lacking something, it will reflect on your relationship. Fact is, you cannot truly love someone else until you can learn to love yourself. So, work on your self-esteem, and, as your self-esteem grows, you will begin to feel different about yourself and others – you’ll be able to be happy and not jealous, when they accomplish something or have success in life.
10. Understand and accept that it is OK to change
Nobody’s perfect, so do not be afraid of setting unrealistic expectations and then being disappointed when reality does not quickly align with your expectations. Cultivate patience, especially with yourself and your wanting to tackle the issue of jealousy. Tell yourself – and seek constant outside affirmation – to the fact that, yes, you can change! Truth is, we are always changing, either to the worst or to the better – and we can decide which way to go!
11. Go and see a professional
If you feel insecure about your relationship and are jealous of your partner’s other relationships, and this has been going on for a while – or been an issue ever since your first relationship – you may want to seek professional counseling services. Trained therapists can effectively guide you through the cognitive processes that occur when you feel jealous, and they can help to reveal any underlying issues and jealousy’s root causes. You can talk to a therapist about questions like, “What are the reasons for feeling jealous in this situation?” or, “What are my insecurities about my relationship?” They will help you gain insight into the cause of your jealousy, are able to help you in dealing with it, and can show you new ways of addressing jealousy more rationally in the future.
12. Treatment Options for Clinical Jealousy
If your jealousy has been a problem for you all of your life, you may want to seek some professional advice before deciding on a treatment course. You can find local therapists in your area who specialize in relationship counseling or couple therapy. If you and your partner are already getting therapy for other issues, your therapist will probably also be able to guide you through the therapeutic process of coping with jealousy. For extreme cases of jealousy it would be essential to seek counseling just for yourself first.
As you get more comfortable talking about your feelings with your therapist, it will become easier to find ways for dealing with jealousy, without resorting to unhealthy methods, such as lashing out at your partner or trying to control them through emotional blackmail.
Your therapist will be able to help you with things like:
-Working on finding some solutions to the relationship problems that are causing you to feel jealous in the first place.
-Trying out new ways of communicating with your partner so that he can express himself in a way that does not trigger jealousy in you. You may notice better results if, in the beginning, more than one person is involved in the conversation about how you communicate with each other.
-Learning what jealousy means in your relationship, and working towards finding ways of addressing it, so that it’s not a constant issue in your every day life.
Especially if you are experiencing emotional or psychological distress caused by your jealousy, it is definitely a good idea to seek out professional help. Finding a therapist can help you get the support you need to work through your jealousy in a healthy way. You definitely don’t need to – and should not -go through this alone!
Counseling helps make the process of dealing with jealousy more manageable, because therapists will direct you towards effective coping methods – which will first of all benefit you personally, and then your relationship. Going to counseling also provides you with peace of mind, because someone is taking your concerns serious – and taking you serious.
The bottom line
A little jealousy every now and then is completely normal in any relationship. Jealousy only becomes an issue when left unaddressed. The good new is that you can deal with it! And once you have made the decision to address and work through your jealousy, you are on your way to a healthier you – and healthier relationships.
