19 Insights on how to Improve Your Mother-Daughter Relationship

To have a daughter is a wonderful thing, and so is watching her grow up and becoming her own person. She may be just like you, or she may be totally different. We do not choose our children’s character, although they might inherit some traits from us.

Of course it’s easier for the two of you to get along if your daughter’s character is similar to yours – but what if it is not? It will be challenging at times, as you butt heads on how to do things or in regards to what is right or wrong. And it will be challenging to watch your daughter go her own way, despite you having pointed her in a totally different direction.

During adolescence it might get really difficult for you to get along, especially as your daughter tests her boundaries and seems to seek more advice from her friends than from you. Still, your daughter needs you to be there for her; to know, that she can always lean on you. If you have not been able to get along, here are some insights on how you can actively pursue improving your relationship.

1. Learn how to listen to your daughter

Have you been taking the time to listen to your daughter? When your daughter comes to you to talk about her frustrations, who is doing most of the talking – you or her? Take a moment to acknowledge the significance of what is happening in such a situation – you daughter is coming to you and entrusting you with her struggles – how precious is that? Don’t betray her trust by being quick to answer – listen to her, and listen actively. Maybe ask her some questions in order to find out more details about the situation. Don’t get impatient and overwhelm her with loads of advice, in your desire to share all that you have learned from your own experience.

Before you daughter needs any answers, she needs someone to listen to her. She comes to you because she does not want to be alone in her situation, and she needs to feel accepted and valued before she needs any answers. So, while you may be itching to give her advice, take plenty of time to listen to your daughter first.

2. Be the one to make the first move

If you notice that your daughter looks sad or frustrated, don’t wait for her to come to you. Be the one to make the first move, and ask her if everything’s okay. Do not hesitate to approach her. She may not want to ask for your advice, thinking that she should be old enough to deal with struggles on her own. Or she may feel ashamed of something she did – or something that happened to her. She may also not be that type of person to immediately want to talk about her problems. No matter what the reason is that your daughter has not approached you, make the first move. Because you love her. Because you care. Find a time for the two of you to be alone and then take her in your arms and gently ask her if she wants to talk.

3. Don’t repeat your mother’s mistakes

Don’t repeat the mistakes your mother made when raising you. Maybe your mother was working while you were growing up and did not have much time for you. Maybe she was at home and smothered you with her trying to control everything. Maybe your mother wanted you to become what she never could and put expectations on you that you could never fulfill. Maybe your mother preferred one of your siblings over you and you suffered a lack of love and attention. Whatever bad may have happened in your own upbringing, you do not need to repeat it! Learn from your past, forgive those who hurt you, and raise your daughter the way she deserves to be raised – in a loving and nurturing environment.

4. Stop complaining about other family members

Do not complain about other family members in front of your daughter. Doing this will not only make her feel very insecure, but she may also blame herself for your problems. As her parents, you and your husband are your daughter’s safe haven. She needs that safe umbrella of her parents’ love, strength, knowledge – and unity – in order to feel secure as a child. Talking bad about your husband, for example, will destroy that feeling of security.

Children also tend to blame themselves when their parents divorce. And they do the same when they see their parents fight or hear one talking bad about the other. Though this is beyond any logic, children cannot help but feel responsible for their parents not getting along anymore. So do not complain about any other family members in front of your child.

5. Do not criticize her fashion taste

There is a proverb that says, “It’s not the outward that defiles a man.” What this means is that our outer appearance does not determine the condition of our heart. Whatever we wear does not say anything about who we are. Although society seems to want to dictate us otherwise. Settle this issue for yourself first, and then decide to accept your daughter. Make sure to enjoy picking out your daughter’s clothes as long as she allows you to – and accept when this time is over.

Your daughter may want to wear the exact opposite of what you’d like her to wear; she may want to get dreads or dye her hair purple – so what? An important factor of growing up is testing your boundaries and discovering your own taste, which, or course, will be reflected in your daughter’s choice of clothes. Accept her new taste and do not criticize.

6. Have realistic expectations

Have realistic expectations in regards to your relationship with your daughter. You two may develop a friendship later on, but she needs you to be her mother first. Especially during those teen years, which are filled with insecurities of who to be and what to be like. Peer pressure is enormous during that time, and it may not even be cool to be seen with mom – so just be there for her, whenever your daughter needs you.

Be thankful that she trusts in you and seeks your advice in certain situations. Your showing her respect and acceptance is the best you can do for your daughter while she lives with you. And should you have established a relationship of mutual acceptance and trust, the two of you might become friends later on.

7. Encourage her to do what she wants to do in life

Encouragement is something all of us need and probably one of the most important ingredients to raising happy children. Encourage your children in whatever they do, and they will want to do even better, because your encouraging them will fill their hearts with joy, as you convey the message that you believe in them. As you encourage your daughter, she will feel affirmed and loved, and this will help her on her way to become her own wonderful person.

Do not expect your daughter to become like you or to want the same things as you. And definitely do not try to force her to go into any career she does not wish to. Your daughter is supposed to become her own person, develop her own personality and set her own goals in life. As a parent, you can guide her along the way, be there for her and encourage her. But do not try to push her in any direction that she does not want to go. Don’t force her to achieve what you were not able to achieve in your own life, for whatever reason. If your daughter wants to become an artist, encourage her and support her during this time.

8. Accept and welcome her friends

You may not agree with your daughter’s choice of friends, but still try to welcome them into your home. Accepting her friends means accepting your daughter. Welcoming her friends into your home shows your daughter that her choices matter to you, and that you take her seriously. Only if you can have this general attitude, will your daughter listen to you, should you be concerned about one particular friend of hers.

If she tells you about her first boyfriend, make sure to show interest – and invite him over. You will make your daughter feel respected and get the chance to meet the boy she is so excited about. Better for them to spend time at hour house than hiding out somewhere else, because you don’t support the relationship. Your home is a safe place for them to meet, and you can feel better about knowing what these two are doing.

9. Repair damage quickly

There is no perfect mother and daughter relationship, and you will have disagreements and times of frustration. Especially when you daughter gets into her teens and starts questioning everything, there is bound to be conflict. And that’s completely okay. What matters is how you deal with conflict.

Be quick to tell your daughter that you are sorry, if an argument got out of hand and you said things you should not have. Be the one to seek peace, when you see your daughter all tangled up in her emotions. This will be the most crucial time for you to be there for her, as she struggles with all of her insecurities of being a teenager. A mother-daughter relationship is not an equal partnership. You are the adult, so always be the first to apologize.

10. Teach her responsibility

Spoiling your daughter will not help her in becoming a responsible adult. A child is never too young to learn the importance of responsibility. Even toddlers can start helping with clearing the table after breakfast, for example -and they will usually enjoy it, because children naturally love to imitate what others do. Explain to your children that the breakfast plates do not clean themselves and that there is no fairy coming to clean the house.

Little by little and with lots of fun, you can teach your daughter what it means to be responsible, and how much fun it is to do chores together and help each other. This will be an important lesson to learn and help her with being successful in her job later on.

You will be surprised at how much you can accomplish together and how much more fun it is.

11. Accept her when she is short with you

Especially during her teenage years, your daughter may not seek your advice anymore. There comes a season when mom is ‘uncool’, and her friends will be the ones you daughter will ask for advice. If your daughter wants to go out with her friends instead of spending time with you, try not to take it personally. This is exactly how it is supposed to be, as she prepares to leave the nest.

During this time, your daughter may also grow more impatient with you. Don’t get mad or take it personal if she’s short with you at times. Everyone gets short with their parents, if forced to do something they do not want to do – like household chores. Try to be understanding and accepting. Just be there for her, that’s the best you can do to keep her trust.

12. Give her some space

Do not be a ‘Helicopter Mom’ and hover over everything your daughter does. You will smother her creativity and interest in learning how to do things on her own, and you will make her feel insecure. If your are trying to keep her at your side all the time, ask yourself why. What is the reason that you don’t trust her? You may find the answer in your own insecurities and fears.

If so, then try to deal with your fears, so that you don’t pass them on to your daughter. She should not have to pay for issues that you have not dealt with, like struggles from your past. As she gets older and matures, show your daughter that you trust her and give her some space. By doing so, she will be more likely to be open with you and let you into her life.

13. Put yourself in her shoes

Do you find yourself getting impatient, because your daughter does things differently from you? Try to see things from her perspective and be as objective as possible, before questioning her actions. Remember how you did things differently from your parents when you were young, so try to put yourself in her shoes.

You may have a more traditional approach, but this is a new generation, and it is important that your children discover new ways of doing things or handling problems. Do not expect her to go about things the same way you do, just because you are her mother and taught her.

14. Learn to forgive

Your daughter will probably do some things that will upset or even hurt you, for example by not obeying you, or testing her boundaries. Try not to get too upset, and most importantly, forgive. Any relationship can only function on forgiveness, because all of us will do or say things sometimes that will hurt other people’s feelings. No matter if she hurt you intentionally or unintentionally – try to talk to her about it and decide to forgive. Forgiveness is the only way to set you free from your hurt – otherwise you will keep it inside, and it will keep coming up again.

15. Accept the fact that she does not always know what is best for her

Of course she will not always know what is best for her – she is still a child and inexperienced. Still, it’s important to let her make her own mistakes. You can tell your daughter ten times not to touch the hot stove top, because she will hurt herself. But it will only take one time for her to touch that hot stove top and feel the pain, in order to remember. That’s how we learn … by experience.

16. Balance individuality and closeness

Encourage your daughter to be herself – and encourage her individuality. Like any young person, she is curious about the world, and with this curiosity comes her need to test limits and try new things. Growing up is a constant learning process, and you are there to guide her along the way of developing her own personality. At the same time, always be there for her and never stop taking her in your arms. Let her feel your love for her, and offer her closeness.

17. Stick to the present

Do not bring up things from the past, except your daughter does. Stick to the present and focus on where your daughter is at right now; make an effort to understand what she thinks and what she feels. During adolescence what counts most is today. Peer pressure can be very stressful and your daughter will need to be there for her – in the present moment. 

18. Set healthy boundaries

Setting boundaries is as important for your child as it is for all of us, because only within our boundaries can be be safe and free. Imagine someone were to decide one morning to drive on the wrong side of the road, just because he is ‘free to do so’. There would be an accident pretty quickly and may even cost that person’s life. As long as we live in a community – instead of on a lonely island – we are only free as long as we live within boundaries that everyone has agreed upon. The same rule applies to family life. Your daughter needs to follow some rules in order to make family life work – and learn about how society functions as a whole. Rules are important in order for us to survive – just make sure your rules don’t serve to control her.

19. Ask her how she is doing

Always check in with your daughter and ask her how she is doing. It might just be a quick question, but it shows her that you care about her. If she is not doing well and you have a relationship of trust, try to ask your daughter some specific questions to help her realize how she is feeling. Your daughter may not be able to immediately analyze the source of her feelings, but your questions can help her identify what is bothering her – and it will bring you two closer, because she sees that she is important to you.

The Bottom line

Try to remember your childhood days – your feelings of insecurity as an adolescent and often feeling misunderstood by your parents. Growing up is wonderful and difficult – all at the same time. Your daughter still needs a shoulder to lean on every now and then, and you must be that one that she can come to with anything. Show her your affection, invite communication and always make her feel welcome – and the rest will take care of itself.