5 Questions to ask your spouse to immediately improve Your Marriage
Marriage is the union of two hearts becoming one – and a wonderful thing! Two people have found and love each other, feel complete and are excited to share life together. They want to make each other happy and show their mutual respect and appreciation.
The challenge in any marriage or partnership, however, is to get every day life done without frustrating – or hurting – each other. If too much frustration has happened between the two of you, and you want to improve your marriage, now is the time to invest – by focusing on what makes your spouse feel loved and appreciated.
Ask him the following questions, take time to really listen to his answers, and reflect on what you can do to make him feel loved and appreciated again.
- Is there anything you need from me as your spouse that I am not giving you?
If you want to improve your marriage, this is probably the most important question to ask your spouse. If you are willing to ask him this question, you must have come to the realization that it is time for some honesty and reflection in your relationship. And if you are ready to ask this question, you are willing to focus on him and find out his needs.
Are you ready to hear his answers? Have you prepared your heart for hearing some things that you might not want to hear? Asking this question means taking a risk, because you have no idea what he might have kept inside and not told you so far.
It is only human to fool ourselves, pretending – and even believing – that everything is okay, although things may not be okay at all. For the most part, we do this to protect ourselves from pain – and to protect our relationship.
However, in the long run, keeping things inside will make neither you nor your partner happy, the opposite is true. Frustration and hurt will continue to build up inside of you and cause increasing tension, which will – in one way or another – blow up one day.
So by asking your partner this important question – and really being willing to listen to his needs – is the best way to tackle and deal with these potential hidden issues.
2. Is there anything that I do that hurts you?
In a love relationship no-one is out to hurt the other – not intentionally anyway. Still it is unavoidable that, at times, partners hurt one another. Nobody’s perfect, and you will let your own frustrations out on each other. That’s all part of life … you will share the good and the bad times, and hurting each other unintentionally may just be part of those bad times.
Asking your partner this question is very brave of you – and will show your partner how much you love him. If you are sincere about this question and willing to hear what he has to day, his answers will help you to be more aware in the future and avoid repeating mistakes.
It is often not the big things, but the little day-to-day things that can hurt your partner. It may not be what you say, but how you say it. How we speak to our partner has the most significant impact on them. Choose your words wisely and check your attitude before you approach him – and, most importantly, use the first person when you speak, so that your partner does not feel accused.
Many couples have a hard time discussing issues, because often one of them will turn a discussion into an argument. The difference between a discussion and an argument is that a discussion is about what is right, whereas an argument is about who is right. There is a significant difference between the two, and only one of them can have two winners.
If your partner always wants to argue instead of discuss things, you will eventually get hurt – because he is already taking things personally, and is now out to fight back. Or, you might be the one to want to argue, because – for whatever reason – you are unable and unwilling to be flexible and compromise. This kind of a situation will always leave at least one partner hurt.
Getting hurt impacts our lives – and how we feel about our partner. So asking your partner this question – and both of you working through whatever hurt might come up – will definitely and immediately improve your relationship.
3. Is there one thing you wish I would change?
It is really good to ask your spouse this question every now and then – not because you’re trying to get on their nerves, but because it opens up a discussion and brings clarity about something that may have been a hidden issue for years.
None of us is completely honest, that’s just the human condition. We can be lying to each other and even be lying to ourselves – without even realizing it. Some things may be bothering us about our partner’s behavior, but we don’t say anything and just hope it won’t happen again. Life goes on and our partner keeps on behaving that way … and it keeps on bothering us. The problem here is that your partner has no idea how you feel because you have not told him – or the other way around.
So, asking your partner this question gives him the chance to do some honest digging and tell you about it. For whatever reason your partner may have kept it inside, your asking him about it specifically, will help him to be honest. What he comes up with may seem silly and small to you, but very important to him – like you not offering to pour him some coffee before you help yourself to it.
There may be more than one thing that he’d like you to change, but let’s take this one thing at a time. Change does not come about easily, even if we want to make the effort. What matters most is that you are willing to change one thing that may bother your partner – and, of course, the same is true for him.
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages,” says that when you change even just one thing in your behavior towards your spouse, this could potentially take your marriage from below average to excellent.
This means that changing just one little thing can potentially benefit your marriage in ways you never knew possible. It’s often the little things that matter. It was maybe only something small that you have been doing – or not doing – that has been silently and negatively impacting your spouse for years. And over time it may have begun to drive your partner crazy, because it keeps on happening. So do not undermine the impact of even the smallest changed behavior.
4. How do you feel loved?
Everyone has a different idea of what it means to feel loved. One may need to hear kind words, another may long for little gifts as signs of affection. One may need regular hugs, and the other may need more space and time on his own. One may want to enjoy regular activities together, where the other want may want some quiet time with just the two of you.
The list of how love can be expressed and received is endless, and what you think may make your partner feel loved may be completely different from what he thinks and desires.
For example, you may think that expressing your love by calling your partner at work every day will make him very happy, but he may want the exact opposite. It is really difficult to know what the other one needs in order to feel loved, so it’s best to try and find out by asking your partner.
The language of love is, as it says, is a whole new language to learn. To try and understand how your spouse feels loved is the first step in improving your marriage – and will help to make it last for years. Learning how to best love your spouse will help build a lifelong union of two people who genuinely care for one another and feel like they are on the same team.
5. What are the things that matter most to you?
Knowing how to treat your spouse is equal to loving him. Mutual respect, understanding, and a feeling of appreciation build the best relationships.
When you know how to treat your spouse, you will stay connected and your relationship is strengthened and able to grow. Asking him what matters to him most will enable you to adjust some of your ways and behaviors to make him feel appreciated.
You and your spouse should know each other’s dreams, hopes, and aspirations. You need to understand what your spouse wants for his future. You also want to help him achieve those goals. You also need to agree on some of those goals so that you can support each other in reaching them.
Make an effort to see the big picture – and see yourself as being a part of it. This will help create a healthy balance within your marriage and will help you both to grow and mature. You will be able to move forward together, instead of looking in the rearview mirror of regret and saying, “what if …?”
Final Thoughts
By asking your spouse the questions listed above and genuinely listening to his concerns or frustrations, you will be able to immediately improve your marriage. Taking time to address these questions with your loved one will significantly impact how he feels about the relationship- and will affect his attitude.
You will be helping your marriage become stronger and more mature in the process, because you are showing him that you care and are committed to making your relationship a priority.
