22 Tips for a Strong Military Marriage from Amazing Military Spouses
The relationship between spouses in the military is unique and often tricky. Deployments, long hours, and little time to connect often leave these couples feeling like they are not getting what they need from their marriage.
With so many people serving in the armed forces all over the world, it is important to know how to strengthen your marriage in order to make it through these difficult times. The following tips will help you find success as a military couple, by staying committed during deployment and keeping your love’s foundation strong – even long after you have left the service.
Use these 25 tips to help you maintain a fantastic military marriage:
1. Discuss and agree on having children
With your spouse in the military and gone many hours, weeks or even months at a time, you may feel like having a child right now would be too much of a burden. If both of you long to have children though, you should be open to the idea of having children in the future.
Of course it is always more challenging to start a family while one spouse is serving in the military, especially during his deployment, but on the other hand, there may just never be the perfect time to have a baby anyway. Both of you should agree on when is that right time.
2. Be honest and open with your spouse
There is no reason to hide feelings, thoughts, or anything else when it comes to your husband or wife. If you feel upset about something, talk it out with them instead of keeping it to yourself until you explode. Make sure that you and your spouse discuss any problems and remain open-minded about your opinions.
3. Promise each other to stay faithful
You may love your spouse with all of your heart – and still be tempted to start seeing someone else, because you feel lonely and left behind while he is deployed. If possible, try to talk with him via online messenger systems daily, so that both of you won’t get too overwhelmed by loneliness.
Disloyalty to your spouse will make you feel guilty and unhappy, it might ruin your relationship and hurt the relationship with your children too. Both of you need to make a real effort to stay close and connected, no matter whether he is here or somewhere overseas.
4. Be a great parent during deployments
It is important to always be a great parent, but especially during deployments. The military will do everything possible to keep your family connected during times of deployments. Still, the one staying behind will carry the heavier load in regards to raising the children and running the household. Try to connect with your deployed spouse regularly, and make sure that the children also get to spend some virtual time with them.
5. Learn how to personally deal with times of deployments and separation
Different people handle deployment and separation differently. Only you can figure out what you need to do in order to keep your peace and joy while he is gone. And only he can decide how to keep his peace and happiness while is is overseas – and maybe even involved in active combat.
Ask your friends in the military, who may have more experience, and find out how they deal with times of separation. Try to prepare yourselves, once you know that a time of deployment is approaching, so that it won’t be so hard on you.
6. Make sure your marriage is on track
As both of you get caught up in the business of everyday life, you sometimes lose focus and neglect certain areas of your marriage, which are necessary to maintain a strong foundation. Make sure your marriage stays on track, by spending quality time with each other and talking about all important issues; check in with each other’s feelings and well-being. That way you will both be well prepared when the time comes for your spouse to be deployed.
7. Get active while he’s away
While your spouse is deployed – and you may not be busy with raising your children yet – make sure to get involved in activities that interest you. Pick up a new hobby and try to become friends with other military spouses. The more active you are, the happier you will be until your spouse returns.
Should you have children, get involved with other mothers and join a toddler group, so that you have some activities to look forward to every week – and have a possibility for valuable exchange of information in regards to child rearing.
8. Be in touch with your spouse when he’s off duty
There is nothing more important than making sure that you stay connected to your spouse, especially when he is off duty. Don’t become so caught up with everything that’s going on, that you forget about your spouse’s needs. He may be going through some work-related struggles, even while he is not deployed.
Be sure to regularly check on how he is doing and take time to listen to his troubles. Also make sure that you keep him updated on what’s happening in your own life, and always try to find time for each other.
9. Learn everything that you can about deployment
Not knowing what to expect is one of the reasons that military spouses are unable to handle deployment. Learn everything you can about deployment, inform yourself, read about it, and ask other military spouses about their experiences.
Make sure that you are as prepared as possible about everything related to deployment – and your role in it. There is no reason to wait. Prepare yourself, so that you won’t be shocked, and feel neglected and lonely, once he takes off.
10. Be aware of the potentially negative effects of deployment
Deployment is not like going on a business trip – your spouse will have to deal with living, fighting – any maybe even surviving – in another culture. He may be involved in active combat. No-one can really imagine what it can do to you when having to fight in a war.
Your husband may come home with a trauma, having experienced injuring or killing other people – or he may come home injured himself. He may have nightmares from the fights he had to engage in; he may be completely exhausted and weary.
11. Make the most of his time off duty
Whenever your spouse has time off from work, make the most of your time together and do things you both really enjoy. Take time to tell each other everything that has been going on in your lives; exchange thoughts and ideas, be honest about your fears and hopes, take time to cuddle up – and kiss a lot.
Whenever he’s returned from deployment, drop everything you’re doing and spend every minute together with the one you love so much. This is the time to catch up on all that you’ve missed out on and were not able to share while he was away.
12. Stay positive and remember that each day is a blessing
Staying positive and being grateful is so important for your happiness – whether you are the one staying or leaving. Remember that everything happens for a reason, and everything has its season – the times for you to be together, and the times for you to be apart.
Times of separation can be really difficult for both of you. Try to focus on all the positive, be grateful for everything that’s good and precious in your life, and take things one day at a time.
13. Find ways to support and encourage your spouse
When your spouse leaves to go on deployment, it will also be hard on him. Now you have the chance to be their biggest cheerleader and help them however you can. Your spouse will appreciate everything you do in their absence – and feel more secure in knowing that you are there for them. Even if they are not physically present, they know that they can count on you – ready to talk and cheer them up, whenever you can connect.
14. Use his time of deployment as a way for you to gain perspective
Deployment can be a difficult experience for you, especially the first time around. You will probably need lots of patience and endurance to get through it. However having more time on your hands offers you the opportunity to gain some perspective on things.
Take some time to reflect on your life, your relationships, your own well-being; check whether you are still working toward your goals – and maybe the time has come for some new dreams and goals.
15. Get active while your spouse is away
Your spouse being away is the perfect opportunity for you to do something you have always wanted to do, but put off for one reason or another. How about finally reading those books that have been waiting on the shelf for far too long? You now have some time to start something new and pursue everything that you enjoy. Doing this will also keep your mind occupied while he is away.
16. Learn new things while your spouse is away
Especially when your spouse is deployed for a months at a time, it’s the perfect time for you to learn something new. Take a class or sign up for an online course. Learn another language or pursue that degree you’ve always wanted to get.
Why not continue your own personal success story? Whatever has been on your mind or in your heart to do – now is the time to do it.
17. Do not stress over other people’s opinions
Many military spouses get stressed out because of all the negativity they hear from others who are critical of their spouse’s career choice. Whatever their reason to be so judgmental, best is to try to avoid these people. Maybe you can find new friends among other military members?
18. Volunteer in your community
There is no better feeling than having helped someone out, or participated in an important cause, that has a positive impact on the lives of others. It is an excellent way to feel needed and appreciated. Giving selflessly will always be returned to you, as you yourself will get filled with joy and peace.
19. Don’t focus on the unknown or negative things that could happen
You could drive yourself crazy worrying about your husband, every time he gets deployed – but that would help neither of you. It’s probably easy to tell someone not to worry and hard to not do it. Still, it would benefit you both, if you can try to focus on the positive things and hope for the best.
Our life is not in our hands; all we can do is to be thankful and enjoy today – and live today to the fullest – because yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not promised to us.
20. Do not compare yourself to others
Do not compare yourself to other spouses who seemingly have it better than you. We all fight our own battles, even if it does not look like that from the outside. If you compare yourself with others, you may get jealous or frustrated, and may even feel like giving up when times get tough.
Be proud of who you are and what you accomplish every day, and believe in yourself – and your marriage. Instead of watching others, try to focus on what is right before you and find joy in what you are doing.
21. Do not let negative people bring you down
It seems like there is always that one neighbor or colleague who is mean and wants to bring us down. The one who shows up at that very moment that we already feel down or not good about ourselves. Their perfect timing is truly one of life’s mysteries.
When these people show up and try to dump their own misery and frustration on you, there are three options: fight, hide or flee.
22. Hold on to the future
Especially when times get tough, hold on to the future! Think about what the two of you are still planning on doing, remember the visions you shared, and hang on to your dreams – doing this will fill you with hope and help you to get through the day.
The bottom line
Unlike other relationships, military marriages need to be especially strong and healthy because of their unique circumstances. Your spouse is following his call to serve his country, and you can be his proud supporter – and the wind beneath his wings.
