Arguing with your Spouse? The 9 most Common Communication Mistakes you Might be Making

Communicating is probably the biggest challenge in any relationship. Each one of us comes from a different background, has different experiences, a different character, and different ideas and tastes. The question is how to find common ground when two people differ in their opinion and need to make a decision, for example.

Many times, our differences end up in an argument, which, in itself, is okay, as long as we treat each other with respect throughout our argument. But the sad truth is, that most of us are not able to remain respectful when arguing, and this kind of behavior can cause severe damage to our relationship.

Following are nine most common mistakes you might be making when arguing or fighting with your spouse.

1- Assuming that everything is about you

When you are in an argument, try not to make the situation all about you; see where your spouse is coming from and understand the other side of the story. Take some time to understand where they are coming from and why they feel or think that way.

2- Overanalyzing everything

There is no need to overanalyze. What will you gain by constantly thinking about and questioning everything and anything? Your mind will just drive you crazy, because the issues you’re thinking and re-thinking about will get bigger and bigger – in the end, you will become insecure and full of self doubt. And have still not been able to find an answer to your questions, or been able to figure out your situation. This kind of attitude will also affect your relationship. There is a time to kook at your problems and projects, and there is a time to let go and give your mind – and heart – a break.

3- Not listening

Listening is half of the communication process – and definitely the most important one. You can only truly understand what your partner is saying if you sit down and listen with an open mind. Listening is an active process and means that you are genuinely interested in what your partner has to say. Unless you take time to really listen, you won’t be able to understand – or be able to relate to –  your partner’s point of view. Not listening to each other is probably the biggest cause for failure in any relationship.

4- Overreacting

When you are in the middle of an argument, try not to overreact – you may end up hurting your partner’s feelings, which immediately brings any communication effort to an abrupt halt. Letting your own frustrations out on your partner is not the way to go. You would not want him to do the same to you, or would you? Should the argument get too heated you could decide to sit down and talk again a few hours later, or the next day. It is never too late to settle an argument, but it won’t get settled unless both partners are willing to treat each other with respect.

5- Thinking that you know better

If you always know better, you’re having an issue with arrogance. This kind of attitude is just the worst for any relationship and often leads to separation and divorce. What are you telling your partner by always coming across as knowing better? That he knows less than you; that you are perfect; that you don’t really care to hear his opinion anyway. You are basically looking down on him, which will always make your partner feel like he is not good enough. Pretending like you always no better leaves no room for open communication and mutual understanding – two very important factors in any relationship.

6- Not letting go of the past

In an argument, probably the worst thing you can do to your partner is to keep on bringing up all of his previous mistakes. Try to think about the bigger picture, which is your relationship … and try to remember your common goal, which is communication and peace. Don’t get caught up in the heat of the moment and your desire to win this argument. Even in the middle of an argument, try to remember the good times and how much your spouse means to you. Hanging on to the past will never allow you to move forward.

7- Refusing to compromise

It is completely normal to have different opinions, and they will surface – especially in a marriage where you spend so much time with each other. Though being married, each of you is still an individuals, and both of you must accept that you are two different people, with different ideas and interests. Making a relationship work takes the willingness to compromise – on both sides. If you refuse to compromise, even on minor issues, there will be no peace.

8- Being unwilling to embrace change

Life is all about learning and changing, and so are relationships. If you have a stagnant relationship, there will be no future. It is the human condition to change, with every encountered experience, may it be good or bad. Whatever happens to us changes us, either in a positive or negative way. If you’ve been in your relationship for a long time, both, you and your partner, will have changed. Maybe your partner needs some more time to himself than he used to, and you might not want rolls but a more healthy cereal for breakfast now. Unless you are willing to embrace change, also in your partner, your relationship has no future.

9- Wishing for things in your spouse that will never happen

Hanging on to false expectations is the downfall of any relationship. Naturally, each one of us first expects that everyone else thinks just like us. This is a very limited point of view, which should expand as we interact with other people, and as we begin to realize that others think and act totally differently from us. There is really no way to live life and not realize that other people don’t share our thoughts and opinions. Which, in itself is a wonderful thing, called diversity.

However, for some strange reason, in our relationship we somehow still expect our partner to do everything like we would do it. There is no logic to this, but your partner is not you – and never will be. You are both two unique individuals, with different backgrounds and upbringings, with different tastes and goals, and ideas on how to live and enjoy life.

And that is exactly how it should be. If your partner was exactly like you, how boring would that be! Of course, it may not always be easy to deal with those differences, but to hang on to these false expectations of your partner having to be exactly like you, won’t help. Unless you are willing to drop those unrealistic expectations, you relationship will suffer.

Final Thoughts

These nine things are probably the most common errors couples make when arguing – and they show that there are no simple answers for any relationship problems.

Most important to remember is that, when you are in an argument, it is not always the other person’s fault. Sometimes you may be contributing to the problem by your attitude alone – not being respectful enough, being dishonest, and making more out of things than they are.

What is better than having an argument? … being able to avoid it. This does not mean that you should not address issues when you differ. But you could decide to have a discussion instead of an argument. The significant difference between a discussion and an argument is, an argument is about who is right, and a discussion is about what is right.