What a Military Spouse Should Know and Expect

Being married to someone in the military is not the same as being married to a civilian. There are quite a few differences, like the issue of moving around and raising children in different places.

As a military spouse you will need to bring an understanding to a marriage that may look different from what you would expect. First and foremost – due to your spouse’s military lifestyle – you will need to be flexible, and that in every area of your life. You will need to adjust to his work schedule and any change of circumstances, like moving abroad, or his getting deployed, while you may stay behind. And this may happen more than once and last from a few weeks to months at a time.

A military marriage is also a challenge for your spouse, because he will want to be supportive of you and your family, whether he is able to be physically present or not.

What to expect as a military wife?

• Your spouse will have to spend more time away from the family, which means hat you’ll be spending time alone, maybe even having to raise your children by yourself, while he’s deployed and serving in a war-torn country.

• Your spouse may have to make difficult decisions regarding his career in the military; he may also want to pursue an additional education. Though at times you may not fully understand his decision making process – and may disagree in some areas, trust your spouse that he knows what he is doing. His job must come first, and your very important part is to take care of your home and the family – and keeping everyone grounded. In the end, since he loves you, whatever he decides will be the best for all of you.

• Your financial situation may change during your marriage, partly due to all of the moving and living expenses. It’s important that both of you understand what it means to be in the military, especially in regards to finances. On the up side, the military offers a number of benefits to support service members and their families.

• You may need to relocate, whether you want to or not. If you are lucky, it will be to a place where you like to live. Either way, every relocation will be a lot of work for you and your spouse – and may present more financial challenges for the family. Before entering a relationship with a military spouse you need to know that you must be willing to relocate – and that probably more than once.

What does a military spouse bring to a marriage?

Here are some typical characteristics found in a military spouse:

• Your spouse is probably an easy-going type of person. They actually must be – there is really no room for drama in their life because of the nature of their job. They will likely bring this easy-going nature into your marriage, especially when it comes to dealing with difficult situations. They can usually make difficult decisions without getting upset or angry, and can easily accept things, move on and deal with whatever comes next.

• Honesty is a character trait typically found in military spouses. Working in the military they have learned to depend on one another and communicate honestly, simply in order to survive. In your relationship, they will likely also tell you what is going on, even if it embarrasses them – or hurts your feelings. It may take some time for you to come to terms with this kind of direct honesty, but your life will get easier once you do.

• They do not talk behind your back. Your spouse is always going to be there for you, and will always have your back. To have each other’s back is the most important trait, in order to survive out in the battlefield. In a relationship, this is a huge relief, because you will always know where you are at with your partner.

• They usually love kids and probably want to have a bunch of their own. Whenever they are not deployed, they will be there for you one hundred percent, to support you in raising the children and to be very caring and attentive fathers.

• They are flexible and know that life is all about adjusting. They understand that it doesn’t help anyone – nor solve any problems – being stressed out all the time. They have already had to make some significant adjustments in regards to their job and done so without problems.

• They are fun and may have a “dry” sense of humor. Life is so much easier if your partner has a sense of humor.

• They are the type of people that know how to have a good time – with or without a drink. And they usually have a solid moral fiber, can take life for what it is and enjoy it to the fullest.

• Typically, they are clean-cut, which is obviously a requirement when joining the military.

• They will be respectful of your personal beliefs and won’t try to push their beliefs on you.

• They want their family life, work-life and social life to be balanced. They are reliable and committed to working hard, but they also know how to enjoy life – and will want to spend any possible time with their family.

• They will likely be more well-rounded than other people that you have dated. They know the importance of family and how to relate to others, including those who do not have a military background.

What else should you know about military life?

Military families must live with the knowledge that they will be apart for extended periods, though they may never know when. What this means is that, during such times of deployment, your spouse may not be there for you at all . This may be one of the hardest parts of being married to a military spouse.

The military places a lot of trust in soldiers and their ability to put their lives on the line for other people and countries. Knowing this, although you trust your spouse, can put you under and lot of stress, as he gets deployed and may be gone for extended periods.

When your spouse is away, it can feel very lonely. You may also experience anxieties, fearing that he might not come back – especially if he gets deployed to a war torn country. These times certainly won’t be easy, but try to hang on to your trust in him and his skills, and pray for his safe return.

If you are married to a military spouse, you need to accept your role as your spouse’s support system. This means that you must be there for your spouse whenever they need you. The military does not provide any support systems to spouses who are going through hard times, so try to establish your own support system by connecting with other military spouses.

If you believe in God you may want to participate in church life and find a good support system there. Church is all about community, and you will be able to connect with many other believers and be able to support one another.

Besides serving in the military your spouse may decide to pursue another career. The military actively supports their members in this regard, and there are many opportunities regarding studying or getting another education. Continued education is also a very good idea for your spouse, for the time following their military career.

When you’ve lived in the ‘military family bubble’ for a few years, it may be difficult to adjust, once you return to the civilian world. Your spouse may also feel like he does not fit in anymore – especially if he served in combat. Luckily, there are many support groups for such situations and they will help you to integrate back into civilian life.

Why do military spouses face such difficult struggles?

It is essential to understand that challenges are part of any marriage. It is unrealistic to expect any married couples to have a perfect life. There will be times when things get difficult, even for those not in military families. But what makes a military spouse’s life so different from other people’s?

Being married to a spouse in the military is definitely unique. For most military spouses, the worst situation is probably when their loved one is away to fight, for months at a time. And sometimes deployment will occur during times when you’d really need your husband to be near you, like during a pregnancy, or when giving birth to one of your children.

It’s important to know that military members do not just get deployed as a choice or as an option. They expect deployment, and they understand why they must leave. There will never be a question about them leaving, and therefore it’s so important that you accept – and expect – this happening.

It take a lot of strength for you to be left alone during times of deployment, having to worry about whether your husband will be able to return safely. At the same time, it is just as hard for your spouse to have to leave you behind – to be away from his family and not know what awaits him in that foreign country.

It is not unusual for military spouses to return from deployment and have a hard time adjusting to ‘normal’ life and a daily routine. Each of you may also react differently to such challenges, and the only way to get through such a time together, is to try to be understanding of each other’s struggles and focus on a positive attitude.

Deployments can also affect your spouse’s relationship to his children. Deployments often take place while the children are very young, and your husband may miss out on months of early childhood development. Upon his return he may need to get re-acquainted with his children, and the children too may also have to adjust to his being home again.

Military families put a lot of emphasis on their children’s education and upbringing, because they know it will be challenging to go return to civilian life, once they complete their time of deployment or military service.

Military spouses must also work harder in their marriage in order to make it work. There will be many challenges when living a life where one of the partners is either there or gone full-time.

Other difficulties not related to deployment may occur, such as job loss or changes at work, one spouse going the other way with career goals, school problems, and children going through difficult times at school.

Military life is still exciting and rewarding, even when it is difficult. But it helps to know the challenges that many military spouses face so that you can support them as much as possible and understand why they feel the way they do about different situations. If you are considering marrying someone already in the military, you should spend some time researching these specific challenges so that you know what to expect if things come up later.

Final thoughts

If you are thinking about getting married to someone in the military, it is essential to know what to expect of military life, and how it will differ, compared to life as civilians. If you are already married to someone serving in the military, it is necessary to discuss these issues, so that neither of you feels isolated and alone.

Both of you can also look at being a military spouse as just another one of life’s challenges. If you love each other and have the right attitude, you will be able to work through things together,  support each other through their hard times and allow your relationship to grow stronger.